Today at dinner.
I sat eating my food (I was hungry) and in between mouthfuls I was spoon feeding Zach his sweet potato (regularly enough to stop him whining, irregularly enough to enjoy my own dinner).
I was quiet, I didn't feel like talking - I was tired, I wanted some 'me' time. I sat thinking about how I really ought to try and make conversation, but I didn't; I just sat indulging in my own thoughts.
After Riley had eaten his food I went to the freezer and got him a ice pop. Amy was making Zach laugh and so I took out my phone to record a video of it.
As I started recording and Zach giggled, Riley let off some wind (loud enough for us all to hear). I turned the camera on him and we all fell about laughing (like at the end of an episode of Peppa Pig except without the falling over). Afterwards Riley wanted to watch the video back over and over and over again. It was funny.
Around this time I found myself 'back in the room' and engaged again with family life. I was struck by the blueness of Zach's little baby eyes, the giggles, the colour, the love and laughter and the beauty of my little family. Amy is gorgeous and her servant-hearted character and attitude to adds a quiet strength that supports everything we do. Riley loves life, he laughs a lot, he wants to play Angry Birds a lot and he seems to be learning new phrases and words everyday. Today, when Amy gave him some of her food/drink (I can't remember which) he made us all giggle by saying 'good sharing mummy.'
I know how privileged I am. I love the people in my life and the scenes our little family of four creates. I want to stop and take in moments like this more and to ensure that I don't 'zone out' or retreat into myself for some 'me time' where I can switch off and selfishly indulge in the comfortable life of noncommittal-ness.
I contrast this with the restlessness and discontentment I often feel. Just this morning I was sat trying to read the Bible and engage with the Lord when all I could think about was 'how can I rearrange the furniture in the house to make me like it more?' I am always wanting to change things, knock walls down, decorate rooms. Always living with a sense of what more should I be doing? Regularly I wonder 'Am I winning? Is my work meaningful, is my life fruitful.'
Amy was right this week to rebuke me and point toward a friend's recent sermon on what he coigned 'Individualitus'. I have a bad case of it.
I love my family, love my boys, love my wife and want to record and capture every moment of beauty we enjoy together. I know it'll be gone so quickly. I know I'll be waking up one day to a very different scene. Today won't come back around.
Don't zone out - appreciate.