Movements don't begin with these lone mavericks they begin once someone else, someone more credible, joins them. It's then that others feel they can follow along. When it comes to trying to establish a fresh custom for raising sons, we need some more mavericks and we need plenty more credible joiners. Perhaps you're able to add respectability to the 'dance', or might you be willing to go out on a limb among your family and community and blaze a fresh trail. Our world needs it I believe, our sons certainly do.
Recently my middle son turned thirteen and as part of his birthday celebrations I created an initiation into manhood ceremony. This is now the second son we’ve done this for so I thought I’d explain why I’m committed to doing it and exactly what took place at the ceremony.
When people ask about it I begin by saying 'don't worry there were no flint knives involved!' and then explain that I walked my thirteen year old son across the South Downs before plunging him into the ice cold sea in January. I also covered him in ash to remind of his death, smeared mud on his chest and made him carry heavy rock throughout the hike. I usually end my summary with ‘but don’t worry, I’ve set up a fund for counselling for when he’s older!’
The truth is that it’s become a treasured and much anticipated ritual among my boys, my third son's really looking forward to his turn and my wider family are expecting it too.
Let me explain why I think an initiation into manhood is valuable and elaborate on the specifics of what I’ve done for each of my boys so far.
Personally my journey toward this conviction began when we learnt that our third child was going to be a boy. I’d had my heart set on having two boys and a girl (forgetting of course that we can't control these things). When the ultrasound revealed that we were having a third boy my picture image of my future family vanished in an instant. We'd decided we were 'stopping at three' and the thought that I wasn't ever going to have a daughter was a bitter blow.
The Calling
I mention this because it's important first step. When God gives a person a child (boy or girl) it comes with a calling to steward with care. Being a parent isn't a job, it's a vocation. We're not trying to self-actualise through these young lives, we're trying to pass on lessons and prepare them to live in relationship with God. I don't want my kids to just be happy, I want them to be a gift to the people around them.
The Catalyst
During the little years I did the usual things a dad of young children does: make plenty of mistakes, fight my own selfishness and wrestle my children - often. As a pastor I preached about and wrote about the challenges facing boys in our society, I setup a group at our local school for dads and lads and then, when my eldest was eleven, I came across Jon Tyson’s book ‘The Intentional Father’. This book was a godsend and it fanned the flame in me that's been burning ever since. Tyson makes the case for the importance of helping our sons become men of courage and character. He described what he did with his son and he pointed toward others who’d done similar. I listened to the book The Power of Moments by Chip and Dan Heath and I read Adam’s Return by Richard Rawl. One quote from Adam’s Return really stood out for me:
Many cultures and religions saw the male, left to himself, as being a dangerous and even destructive element in society… In some ways, women were historically initiated by their one-down position in patriarchal societies, by the humiliations of blood (menstruation, labor and menopause), by the ego-decentralising role of child raising and by their greater investment in relationships. Men have always seemed to need a whomp on the side of the head, a fall from the proverbial tower, their own blood humiliation (think: circumcision), in order to become positive, contributing, or wise members of the larger community.
The more I've thought about this, the more true I think it is.
As puberty kicks in for boys and girls their experiences of life begin to diverge. As a girl grows her body teaches her about vulnerability, weakness and her need for courage. She learns the value of her community and comes to depend on the people in her life. Boys bodies by contrast become stronger and more independent from others. They learn that they're capable on their own and they make things happen by sheer will and determination.
A boys' testosterone fuels his competitive drive setting him at odds with others, seeing them as competitors first and collaborators second. Boys therefore need intentional guides to come alongside them and impart to them valuable life lessons that their body isn't going to teach them. As much as they need this from their mums they really need it from their dads and other men, since their destiny is to become a man after all.
After reading Tyson’s book I setup a group at my church with the aim of involving other men in my plans. For two years a group of (at its peak) twenty men met to explore what it might look like to create a community of dads and male mentors committed to helping their sons become good men. As my eldest, Riley, approached his thirteenth birthday I began planning for the big day, the day we’d ‘make him a man’.
With Riley I felt like I was walking an overgrown trail no one around me had trod for some time. I didn't know anyone personally who'd done this with their son and yet I felt in my bones that this was something I had to do. For one reason or another I’ve always felt drawn to men I considered to be father figures. I’d had a good father and yet I think leaving home for Uni and then losing him to cancer a few years later kept this craving to be fathered in me for many years to come.
I've spoken to many men over the years who long for a degree of affirmation and encouragement from their dads that they’re never going to receive. Whether the reasons for this are the result of changing social expectations or the pain of emotionally unavailable male relatives I don’t know, but it’s a powerful appetite in many men. Warren Farrell makes the case in The Boy Crisis that the rise of Nazism in the 1920s and 30s was due largely to the loss of so many fathers in WWI. Hitler became the father figure many of them had never known. Fatherless boys are susceptible to being led astray by strong alphas in a way I haven't seen among women (mind you 'motherless homes' are very rare).
All of the above to make the case for both a transitional ceremonial moment in a young boy’s life and also for a degree of intentionality from dads and male mentors during the teenage years. Boys need it, and society needs it for them.
The Ceremonial Moment
The purpose of the ceremony is to draw a line under the boy’s childhood and welcome him into manhood. We aimed to honour the child and call out the man and to do that effectively we did a few things.
The booklets
The Lunch
The day began with them being taken out for lunch by their mum. At the lunch Amy gave them each a couple of gifts; one that symbolised their childhood (a teddy or a toy) and then a Bible that symbolised drawing them into manhood.
The Hike
With Zac I felt burdened that I also wanted to repent and ask him for forgiveness for a couple of specific times in his childhood when I’d lost my temper. He's a fiery feisty boy and over the years we've sparked off of one another. I felt it was important that we both entered the next phase of life on a fresh footing and whilst I can’t undo some of the mistake I’ve made I can own them. I confessed my failures to him and I pointed him toward his perfect Heavenly Father. As much as I'm his dad I explained that I'm also a fellow traveller, an imperfect man in need of grace.
With both of my boys the walk was special and emotional, it felt important like we were on a quest together which was also the point of it.
The Gathering
After I left them I ran/cycled to a spot I’d arranged for others to join me at. In each case I’d asked different men who’d played an influential part in their life to join me to say a few words about them. This was a mixture of family members, family friends, football coaches, youth leaders and, in Zac’s case, his eldest brother Riley. I’ve made a point in church life of treating all over 13s as part of the ‘men’ in the church for this reason. We want them to begin to see themselves as being included among the men, welcomed in to the society of men.
As my son completed their walk and arrived at the beach we clapped them in and gathered around the sea edge where I delivered a mini speech. I’d written some words about what the day was for. I said that ‘every culture apart from the modern west have helped their sons transition into manhood, but that ends today. Today we welcome you as one of us and accept you as a son of our people, a man alongside us and we’re here to help you become all that God has called you to be.’
After this each of the men took it in turns to talk about something they admired about my son and then afterward offered them some piece of advice about manhood. The men did incredibly, it was truly inspiring!
I then explained that over the next five years I was going to help him transition through five shifts toward adulthood. I explained what each of these shifts were and I gave him a gift or a symbol to imprint them on his memory. These were things Jon Tyson had developed from the book Adam’s Return, they are:
- From ease to difficulty. Childhood is a life of ease but men learn to embrace challenges. I explained that this was the reason for the rock he’d carried all this way and then I asked him to get each of the men to sign their name on the rock. I was particularly pleased with this one for Zac as only six months before we’d climbed a mountain in the Lake District and I’d managed to bring a rock from the summit home with me. This was the rock he’d carried.
- From Self to others. I explained that children have everything done for them but men learn to serve others. To symbolise this I’d had made a tea towel printed with photos and the Bible reference “the servant is the greatest”.
- From the whole to a part. Children are self-centred and believe that they’re the centre of the universe, men realise that whilst they’re not any more important than anyone else they have a vital role to play. I gave him a quote and a printed Bible verse in a frame that said: “I am not the great I am, but by the grace of God I am what I am.”
- From the temporal to the eternal. Children think only about the moment but men learn to live with eternity in mind. This was when I asked my son to take his shirt off and I rubbed ash on his forehead and emptied the rest over his chest. I said “you are going to die one day, don’t lose sight of that and live each day with your death in mind.” After this I took out a pot of mud that I’d gathered from our garden and rubbed it on his chest “but may our home always be close to your heart. You are always welcome with us.”
- From control to surrender. Children try to control their surroundings and everyone in them, men learn to surrender, to trust God and let go of control. This was when we took him into the sea, me and his grandad. We plunged him down into the icy waters, thus ending the child and we pulled him up into adulthood to the applause from the men who'd come support him.
In Zac’s case (since it was January) I’d also hired a slot in the local beach sauna which all the men then joined in for half an hour - it was a lot of fun!
The Party
In Riley's case once the ceremony was done others joined, more men, Amy and some women and children too. I cooked sausages on a BBQ and we celebrated together, Riley explaining to each of them what he'd just done.
One of the lessons I learnt from this first experience however was the impact it had on his mum and other women in his life to not be included in the ceremony at the beach. Amy felt really left out which I was sorry for. Honestly it had been such an effort to overcome the negative voices in my head about doing it that I hadn't thought through the effect it had on others when I didn't invite them.
Having said that I’m convinced that boys need (and crave) inclusion and acceptance into a community of men and that men need (and appreciate) spaces without women around. That was why we didn’t have any women at the beachside part of the day, but after seeing the impact this had the first time around I made changes when it came to Zac and I'm really glad I did.
Following the moment at the beach with Zac I hired our church hall and put on an afternoon of mini games and competitions which ended with me giving another speech in front of everyone about Zac and how much I was proud of him. His grandparents took photos and made chilli, I ordered pizzas in for everyone and had prizes to give out to the winners. It was a great way of concluding the experience.
Honestly it was a truly special day, my heart was full and I know Zac's was too. I think we managed to create a core memory for Zac that will stay with him for a long time to come.
The Path
I've now started setting aside some time each week to sit and talk with Zac. We've started reading parts of the Bible and discussing it together and over the next few years he'll also complete some challenges to win patches that go on the backpack I gave him.
In November 2023 Riley completed a muddy assault course in winter to win his patch ‘Ease to Difficulty’, he completed a week’s practical mission in Turkey in 2024 for his ‘Self to Others’ patch and he served for six months in the kids work at church for his ‘Whole to a Part’ patch last summer. To commemorate that one we hosted an afternoon tea for the women who helped him serve and they awarded him the certificate.
In just a few short years my eldest could well walk out of my door for good and into his own adulthood. Right now that thought makes me tear up. I’m not ready, I don’t suppose I ever will be, but I want to make sure that when the time comes that I’ve done everything I could in these crucial years to help him thrive as adult.
How about you?
Obviously I'm not saying that without an intentional ceremony like this our sons are destined to fail. Neither am I saying that if we do this that our sons will have no problems and become perfect, well rounded, passionate followers of Christ.
I'm not wanting to suggest any of those things but I am convinced that we're facing societal challenges that are going to require us to act with intentionality. The number of voices vying to shape the souls of our sons has increased both in number but also in intensity. Greater polarisation in society, greater vilification of men and masculinity calls for greater intentionality on the part of fathers.
Parents are shepherds, our children need shepherding and part of good shepherding means recognising that not all influences on our sons will be healthy. There have always been false shepherds like Hitler, like Andrew Tate and like many of those influenced by second-wave feminism who believe men to be problematic in themselves. There have always been voices around like this but never before have they had such easy access to our sons. Between a rise in fatherlessness and the an increase in the feminisation of society many of our boys have been without clear guides into manhood.
It's time that dads realise afresh the gift that they are to their sons, and the gift that their differences from their son's mums are. It's time for dads to step into the seat of influence, especially when their sons reach their teenage years.
Jesus told us to make disciples. Why not experiment on your kids (as weird as that sounds) with a multi-year intentional discipleship approach like this? Join me in starting and being part of a movement of men doing all that we can to ensure our sons become men or courage, character and consequence.
Reach out if you want to talk some more.