In a conversation with a friend recently some dots in my mind joined up. Let's see how this sounds...
Men and women, by virtue of their sex each possess a power over the other that needs to be respected and handled with care. By ‘power’ I mean the sense that we each exert influence over the other; an influence that can be put toward healthy ends (resulting in greater closeness) or unhealthy (leading to distance and estrangement).
The differences between the sexes is the source of their respective influence over the other and these distinctions are generally ones brought about by puberty.
A man can be sent into a trance by a woman, she has influence over him. A woman can be hampered or helped by a man, he has influence over her. This much, it seems to me, is fairly self-evident. What occurred to me recently is that each of these forces of influence are a blessing and a burden but in different respects.
A man’s body is first a blessing before he later discovers much of its burden, whereas a woman’s body is first a burden and only later does she come to view it more positively.
Let me explain.
A boys body becomes that of man whilst the mind and maturity of the boy remains much the same as it was before. When the boy was 5 and became frustrated he huffed and puffed and pushed against life’s restrictions, but as a boy-man he is surprised (and at first thrilled!) to learn that all his huffing and puffing now changes things, indeed he may well ‘blow the house down’ if he’s not careful. He’s become taller and heavier, his muscle mass has increased as has his grip strength. This added size and strength is felt positively by the boy, it gives him a sense of agency. It must also be harnessed through careful socialisation or else it will do damage.
His new power and influence make him feel good but, he soon learns, it also has some nuisance about it. He’s now expected to graft and dig and lift and actually do something with all that privilege. He knows he can’t let it go to waste. He knows he’s meant to stand up for people or fight for something, he knows also that he can’t be a boy-coward, but he’s also really not sure if he’s got what ti takes to be a warrior. On the one hand his power is great - look at all I can do! - but on the other hand it’s a threat, after all he isn’t able to establish himself above he bottom of male society he’ll be easy pickings, and unlikely to find a woman who’ll want him.
A boy experiences his new adult body with enthusiasm since it is largely his ally in life opening doors of possibility that were otherwise closed.
Having said that, he also learns that he has a power and influence over others (especially women and children) that he didn’t ask for and a responsibility to them that he didn’t want. I remember as a new dad the look of fear on my then three year old’s face when he walked in me tantruming over a stubborn bit of DIY. I was trying to assemble a bed, but each time I put a wooden slat in place, another piece fell out; it was infuriating. In my anger I picked up a bed slat and slammed it repeatedly into the side of the bed (I told you it was a tantrum) only to look up and see Riley standing in the corner of the room. He looked terrified before backing out the room and running downstairs to Amy.
In that moment I saw how my size and my strength was a possible source of terror to others. I had power, but it came with a something I never wanted - the ability to install fear the ones I loved more than anything else. I had to learn that I couldn’t just ‘throw my weight around’ or lash out at a piece of furniture or slam a door. Things that as a child weren’t good, but didn’t scare people, now (thanks to puberty) made me a monster in other people’s eyes.
I’d like to say that was the last time I registered the negative impact of my masculinity on others, it wasn’t. I had to learn how my voice when raised to a shout can strike fear into my family and even now if, at the dinner table, I’m tired and grouchy my raised voice makes my youngest duck down with his hands over his ears.
Nuisance power. When I was a boy my body didn’t do this, no one shrunk back when I got annoyed or raised my voice but something happened on my way to adulthood. I grew a power which, for the most part, was great - I could stand up to bullies, protect people I cared about, be ‘useful’ to others and I could quieten a chaotic room with my voice, but it came with a side offering I’d never have wanted. I can scare people. At night if a woman sees me walking down the street, she could be set on edge. Nuisance power.
If the male experience is one of being handed strength and confidence but only afterwards realising the nuisance that comes with it I wonder if the female experience works in the reverse.
I posit this tentatively and hesitantly, after all what the hell do I know about a woman’s experience? Not a lot, but I grew up around two, spoken to some, lived with one and watched many from a distance (that sounds creepier than I meant it!).
As the bodies of a girl’s male friends change so does hers, but rather than puberty handing her more and more freedom instead she appears to be handed limitations she previously didn’t have.
Menstruation is messy and painful, and it affects far more of her life than she’d like. Sure, her body becomes stronger, but not anywhere near like a boy’s does. Testosterone in teenage boys shoots up to that of 30x his female counterparts, making him faster, stronger and more aggressive. The result is that by contrast to him her experience is one of being not stronger, but weaker and more vulnerable to his strength. Furthermore as her legs lengthen and she develops breasts it seems to her that men stare at her far more than they used to.
Now when she walks through town, or goes to the shops or posts a picture online men stare or comment or call out and those stares and comments make her feel nervous. She now knows, in a way she didn’t before puberty, that she’s at risk especially if the man staring at her isn’t noble.
If a man’s body makes him free from self-consciousness, a girls after puberty becomes a major source of interest and even obsession to, it seems, everyone she meets. It isn’t only men who impose this on her, women do as well. She must learn to navigate the socially turbulent world of womanhood. If she’s too plain, boys won’t notice her but if she’s too pretty they’ll notice her too much. If she resists social customs and goes about barefaced, women will comment, but if she goes too far they’ll shame her.
So where’s the power in all this I wonder?
There is power, but it can be a nuisance to a woman who doesn’t want it.
If a man’s power is obvious and its ‘nuisance’ needs to be acknowledged for it not to become abusive, a woman’s power works in the opposite direction. A woman’s power is first a nuisance before it becomes harnessed and put to useful means. Her power is that she, without wanting it or aiming for it, can captivate and (if she wanted to) capture a man simply by virtue of being her.
It isn’t only about sexual attraction, but let’s start there. A man, you see, will stare at an attractive woman involuntarily and even hours later he might find that his mind is still chained to her image. This happens often against his reason and will. Men talk of feeling ‘hacked’ or ‘tricked’ by the cruelty of their libido - ‘like being tied to a maniac’ is how some have described it.
This exchange between a mother and daughter in Dostoevsky's novel 'The Idiot' articulates is exactly. The character's are looking at a picture of a woman the men are swooning over:
What a power!" cried Adelaida suddenly, as she earnestly examined the portrait over her sister's shoulder. "Whom? What power?" asked her mother, crossly. "Such beauty is real power," said Adelaida. "With such beauty as that one might overthrow the world."
That's it exactly.
It isn’t only a woman's attraction that a man spots of course. Men want a woman's approval. A universally recognised aspect of the male psyche is the instinct in him to want to protect a woman. Across cultures and throughout time men have understood that part of being a ‘good’ man (part of using his privilege well) is that he stands up for those smaller and weaker than he, which for the majority of men means, the women in their lives.
If a woman wants it, if she recognises her power and decides to harness it, she can get a man to do almost anything for her. A man, much more readily than a woman, will put himself in harms way to help a woman, even one he isn’t pursuing romantically. Men instinctively want to be thought well of by women and they wilt when shamed or called cowards by women.
It’s my observation (based on things I’ve seen and read) that women hold the majority of ‘soft power’ within a community. They, much more naturally than men, are able to read and notice subtleties of social cues and expectations in relationships. A man needs a woman’s approval if he’s to stand much chance of full maturation in this area. Men know this. They know that left to themselves they are more likely to be cancelled or ignored or dismissed as being irrelevant.
Before all this power is of use to a woman however, it is first a ‘nuisance’ but, once it’s embraced and stewarded deliberately and compassionately, it can lead to harmonious flourishing between the sexes.
When a woman doesn’t acknowledge or respect her power, she lays a heavier burden on the men in her life than most women would be aware of. Most men want to live honourably and treat women well but most men, like most women, are pulled around by competing forces vying for their attention. The difference of course is that the nuisance at work in a man’s power is capable of far more physical destruction and horrors than hers.
Acknowledging our powers along with their shadow sides is essential if we’re to build the kind of families, churches, communities and countries that we want for ourselves.
But, and this probably needs to be said given the fact that women are much more consciously aware of the nuisance of their bodies, it’s not really appropriate, or helpful, or permissible for a man to point this sort of thing out… is it…