Three Bible verses, two graphs and one video to help you in your desire to disciple your child.
The central image of leadership in the Bible is that of shepherding. In Psalm 23 we read about the various ways in which the Lord shepherds his people. As a shepherd he's our prime example of leadership, the model that all other shepherds are meant to imitate.
Parents are shepherds. We’re entrusted with people made in the image of God and called to lead them and love them diligently and faithfully. We aim to be an image for them of God’s love and we hope to lead them to put their trust in God as their chief shepherd.
In verse 1 of the psalm we read that the Lord ‘leads me besides still water’. He’s out in front guiding us. Then (in verse 4) when the psalmist says ‘even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil’ and offers the explanation ‘for you are with me.’ When times are toughest the shepherd is by our side.
Finally the psalm writes in verse 6: ‘surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.’ Goodness and mercy is here intended to recall God’s self-description in Exodus 34:6 ‘a God slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.’
We can therefore understand this expression (that of goodness and mercy following me) not as 'good fortune' following us but as God pursuing us since goodness and mercy aren’t ‘bits’ of God, but are God himself. The psalmist is saying: ‘God will follow me all the days of my life.’
Thus the Good Shepherd leads, comes alongside and follows up behind. Rather like a motorcade escorting an important dignitary, God hems us in before and behind.
As parents we’re called to shepherd our kids in the same way. Lead our children, don’t leave things up to them, walk closely alongside our children (particularly in difficult times) and follow up after them with the intention to encourage and strengthen them.
What kind of parents shall we be?
In her new book ’10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World' Jean Twenge’s first chapter (her first rule) is entitled: You’re in charge.
She describes various parenting styles, some of which we’re likely familiar with: helicopter parenting (hovering over kids), snow plough parenting (removing all of the obstacles in their way), gentle parenting (never saying no), or lighthouse parenting (being a source for insight but not interfering too much).
Academic research instead focuses on four parenting styles:
Twenge advocates for the importance of being authoritative parents; parents who lead with clear instructions and firm boundaries.
About authoritative parenting:
Clinical psychologist and parenting expert Becky Kennedy calls this type of parenting “Sturdy Leadership”—it’s a combination of validating feelings but also holding boundaries. She suggests parents should respond to kids pushing back on rules with something like this: “One of my main jobs is to make decisions that I think are good for you, even when you’re upset with me. This is one of those times. I get that you’re upset, I really do.”
As parents one of our top priorities is to keep the end in mind, to aim not for quick wins but for a solid result in the long run. In other words ‘play the long game’:
"Your job is not to make your kids happy at every moment. It’s to raise competent adults who will be happy in the long term. Your most important job as a parent is giving your children experiences that help them grow."
Scott Galloway, who has two teenage sons says that since the brain’s prefrontal cortex (the part in charge of self-control and decision-making) doesn’t fully develop until the mid 20s he says “my job as their dad is to be their prefrontal cortex until it shows up.” That’s a good way of thinking about why parents must not disengage from their children’s tech use.
What does this look like in the age of smartphones?
Many of us are aware of pressures facing young people and will no doubt have seen graphs like this one:
And this one:
But we may not have seen graphs like this one:
The above graph shows things that increase unhappiness (the bottom black columns) as well as things that decrease it (or more importantly - increase happiness’). Notice that second on the list of things that has been proven to increase a young person’s happiness levels is attending ‘religious services’. In other words going to church is good for our children, it makes them happier and helps them grow as human beings.
Parents, we must keep sight of this when the myriad of other items on the list of things to give our lives to calls for our children’s attention.
In 2014 Sociologist Christian Smith conducted more than 230 in-depth interviews, and studied data from three nationally representative surveys leading to one significant headline and a number of other important secondary findings.
The headline was: The single, most powerful causal influence on the religious lives of American teenagers and young adults is the religious lives of their parents. Not their peers, not the media, not their youth group leaders or clergy, not their religious schoolteachers, not Sunday School, not mission trips or service projects or summer camp... but parents.
Parents, you can do it. You have a much more valuable and powerful role to play in your child’s life than you know. You are in charge, your are their shepherd. You can lead them, walk with them through difficult times and continually hem them in behind. In fact rather than snowplow parents who make life easy for kids, let’s be pursuing parents who mop up behind them all the while encouraging them to ‘get out there’ and give things a go.
No matter how qualified or capable you feel, God uses you to nurture faith and expectation in your child’s life. This isn’t meant to lay burdens or pressures on a parent but to encourage us. You can do it!
The good news also is that it isn’t parents or church or youth leaders or teachers, but parents +__________. Raising your kids in community, in church means you’ve got all the help and support you need just waiting to be accessed and leveraged in your favour.
Leading our children in an age of smartphones:
Finally I want to introduce you to an organisation that's trying to empower and equip parents to lead well in the area of smartphones. Check out this video and follow the links below to find our more:
To find out more simply visit: https://www.smartphonefreechildhood.org/