Tyler shared some of his life story with me. He shared that for most of his teenage years his parents were unable to look after him and so he lived between relatives and friends, sometimes needing to sleep on flea infested sofas. He shared that he didn't have a good relationship with his dad who is an alcoholic and argumentative man. They often clashed and much of his childhood involved tension and hostility.
At one point Tyler shared how he always wanted an older brother, someone he could learn from and look up to. Without positive role models he was often being drawn into crowds and places that he knew were bad for him, but that he also couldn't seem to get away from.
Suicidal on more than one occasion, surviving near misses and dependant on substances to find peace Tyler is like so many young men in our society.
These men grow up as boys needing to be loved and desperate to be accepted, but forced to fend for themselves. Once a boy's body begins to look like a man people stop treating him like he's a child. They expect him to sort himself out, absorb abuse and take responsibility for his life and they call him 'toxic' when his testosterone gets the better of him. Despite looking like an adult male he's still just as fragile as he ever was. He still needs to be encouraged, still needs to be told that he matters and he still needs to be looked after.
Tyler's recently been reading the Bible by himself. He's read Revelation, Philippians and 1 Corinthians "I really like Paul" he said "he puts things really clearly." He's going to give the book of Romans a go next.
Tyler's not read the gospels yet but knows enough about Jesus that he's certain he wants to follow him. He begins everyday by asking Jesus to forgive him, to lead him and help him.
He believes that Jesus is in charge of his life now. He's got younger brothers and wants nothing more than to be the older brother to them that he never had for himself. When he reads the Bible he writes his reflections in the margins in a way that he anticipates one of them reading one day.
I asked him if I could tell him about the best older brother in the world and we started reading from Luke 15:
‘A man had two sons. The younger of them said to his father, “Father, give me the share of the estate I have coming to me.” So he distributed the assets to them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered together all he had and travelled to a distant country, where he squandered his estate in foolish living. After he had spent everything, a severe famine struck that country, and he had nothing. Then he went to work for one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. He longed to eat his fill from the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one would give him anything. When he came to his senses, he said, “How many of my father’s hired workers have more than enough food, and here I am dying of hunger! I’ll get up, go to my father, and say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight. I’m no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired workers.’ ” So he got up and went to his father.
This son essentially wished his father dead "give me my inheritance, I'm tired of waiting for it." he said, before disappearing down a hovel, indulging his appetites. Prostitutes and parties, what more could a young man want? It was great, until it wasn't. And then he was hungry and desperate.
The young man knows he's screwed up, knows he's ruined his dad's reputation and brought shame on the family, so he does what every young man in a hole does - he devises a plan to dig his way out: 'I'll be my dad's slave!' he says. Genius, he thinks.
"This is religion" I said to Tyler. "It's what we do when we realise we've got a problem, we work harder." Sensing a gap between him and his dad, knowing he's done wrong the son decides to work off his debt. The trouble is it never works. Whether it's political correctness or recycling, going on pilgrimages or going to church. We might try to read the Bible and work on our character, no hard work on our part is ever enough. We never reach the finish line by straining for the tape.
But while the son was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion. He ran, threw his arms round his neck, and kissed him. The son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight. I’m no longer worthy to be called your son.”
‘But the father told his servants, “Quick! Bring out the best robe and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then bring the fattened calf and slaughter it, and let’s celebrate with a feast, because this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found! ” So they began to celebrate.
Ever since the younger son ran off the people have been gossipping about the family. 'What kind of a father must he be to let something like this happen?' they said 'how incompetent and irresponsible' they said 'I always knew he wasn't a good dad' others said. Reasonable conclusions and normal gossip for a village.
The Father had every right to reclaim his honour by stamping out the shame his son has caused him. He had every right to punish his son, to not accept his offer servitude but instead kill him in cold blood. 'Let the community bear witness,' he could have said 'as the dirt soaks up my son's blood so my shame has been absorbed this day.'
How does the Father respond instead? He runs. He scans the edge of his property and he runs. He hitches up the skirt of his middle-eastern robe and he runs, like a girl and like a servant, like a boy running from his schoolmaster, like a child needing to be taught a lesson.
"Tyler," I said "this is what God, your Father in heaven, does when he sees you coming near. For so long you've grown up learning to fear the reactions of your dad, learning to keep your guard up, to prepare your speeches, to placate his anger, but Jesus says 'when God sees you coming, he runs to embrace you!'"
The Father absorbs the shame and bestows riches on his son. 'Let the community, those gossips from the village, come and share in my joy - my boy is back! My boy is back!'
But remember how the story began? 'a man had two sons.' so whatever happened to the second son?
‘Now his elder son was in the field; as he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he summoned one of the servants, questioning what these things meant. “Your brother is here,” he told him, “and your father has slaughtered the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.”
‘Then he became angry and didn’t want to go in. So his father came out and pleaded with him. But he replied to his father, “Look, I have been slaving many years for you, and I have never disobeyed your orders, yet you never gave me a goat so that I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your assets with prostitutes, you slaughtered the fattened calf for him.”
‘ “Son,” he said to him, “you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.” ’
The Father goes out again.
Again he's wanting to bring an estranged son into his embrace, except that this time his son remains lost. - I'll confess, I could barely keep it together at this point in the retelling. - Look at the way the older brother talks about his brother 'when this son of yours came...' he says 'this son of yours'. He won't call him 'my brother' won't call him by his name, just 'this son of yours.' This older brother is the worst.
What should he have done, this older brother? He should have gone after him when he first ran away. He should have said to his dad 'don't worry dad I'll go and get him, and I won't rest until he's safe.' But he didn't. Instead he watched him go, perhaps rubbing his hands at the thought of an extra portion of blessing for himself.
"Tyler" I told him "you have an older brother in Jesus who came looking for you. When you ran off into the world, indulging in whatever you could find to numb your pain, he came for you and he died for you, taking in himself the punishment for your sin. This is Jesus, the older brother who loves you and who came to return you home to a Father who's watching and waiting ready to embrace you and bless you no matter what you've done."
"God, your Father, loves you. He knows you've screwed up, knows you're a sinner, knows you've done things deserving punishment, things that have brought shame on him but still he's watching and waiting for you ready to run to meet you."
"Your saviour Jesus is not ashamed to call you his brother."
"This is what I've been looking for my whole life" he said.
"So have I," I replied "and it never gets old!"