I'm 15 and I walk off the squash court to be met by my coach. He has a smile, a cup of water and some encouraging words. I try as best I can to concentrate on what he's saying before I step back onto court and continue my duel. My opponent doesn't have a coach, doesn't have anyone to give him advice or encouragement; and he looks lonelier for it.
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I'm 18 and I've woken up after a long shift at work and am greeted by a cup of tea. My dad asks how my day had gone andhow busy the Bar was, and as he asks I see in his eyes an interest not just in the job but in the worker, in his son who's stepped up to responsibility and is proving himself to be reliable. He's proud of me and manages to communicate it with a gesture.
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I'm 22 and as I step off the stage, the band concludes the service and an older man I know welll walks over to me. He looks me in the eyes and says simply 'outstanding'. He hugs me and then he walks away. I'd proved myself competent and I let out a sigh of both joy and relief.
--
No matter who you are or how successful you are I'd hazard a guess that there's a longing in your heart to have someone you admire champion you. I want to affirm that desire in you and, whether you have someone in your life who does it or not, I want to identify several key ingredients that will enable you to be that for someone else.
I've spoken to and observed people from across a wide range of professions and personalities and I have seen and heard this longing expressed in them all. It doesn't matter whether you're in a well paid and well liked profession or whether you're blessed with high self-belief (or not), your need to have someone in your corner supporting you is normal and good.
As a man makes his way in the world, voicing his dreams or attempting to live up to his ideals, he steps vulnerably and courageously into a new country everyday.
If you've had the privilege of being raised with an engaged and supportive father these steps come more willingly, and with the knowledge of a father's safety net you're able to tolerate the vulnerability and uncertainty you occupy. Nevertheless the space a man occupies when he attempts to step up and step out is always accompanied by the desire (and legitimate need) to have someone support him.
If a man turns inward to find the support and encouragement he needs, it can result in nurturing unhealthy and undesirable characteristics. Self-confidence that is developed in opposition to (rather than as a result of) a lack of fatherly encouragement often fails to bear the hallmarks of love and service that ultimately marks a man out as good in (and good for) the community.
To be both good for and good in a community every man and woman needs someone to help them. There is no such thing as a 'self-made' man or woman, certainly not one that other people enjoy being around. As those who live in a culture that emphasises the importance and potential of the individual over the group we can find ourselves being surprised and frustrated by this obvious need for other human beings. For some their surname helps them here: Wilson, Smithson, Williamson driving home our indebtedness to another.
All of us however would do well to slow down and listen to exactly what that inner ache is after. What is it we want when we want to have a supporter and a fan?
I believe the thing you and I are searching for is encapsulated succinctly and beautifully in words spoken by the ancient Jewish prophet John the Baptist concerning his relationship with Jesus. This is what he said of Jesus:
"He must increase and I must decrease."
Read it again.
And again.
One more time.
'He' - another beyond me and outside of me - 'must increase' - his ascendency is beginning and it is essential that it increase - 'and I' - I have a vital role only I can make - 'must decrease' - it is essential that I step aside in order to make room for him to fill the stage I have been occupying.
In my opinion this subtle and short statement captures both the longing in every man's heart and gives expression to the mission and function every man ought to play for another. To have someone say and behave toward you with that as their mantra: more of you, less of me - is the craving of the human heart. It offers a resource for courage, a backbone for the timid, a refuge for the defeated and it beckons us out of the cave we hide in and the idolatrous empire we build for ourselves.
When someone behaves like that they make you believe you can do anything and become anything. It's the voice of someone secure enough in their own status and power that they can offer it as stepladder to someone else.
In what follows I shall be exploring the depth that this statement can reach in empowering us to both be the man God made us to be and create the kind of communities and families God calls us to create.